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Change Washington’s Football Nickname from Offensive to Awesome

Feb 072013

This is the 21st century. I’m on board with retiring the name/mascot of Washington’s football team. I’ve tried my best to refrain from using the name on this site, instead going with “Washington Snyders.”

The debate about the nickname is back, perhaps because of the resurgence of the franchise behind its new phenom quarterback Robert Griffin III. There is a consensus. Everyone believes at least this: “I can see a lot of reasonable people being offended by that.”

Another reason to change the name: the Western theme is a bit tired and old fashioned. As you can see from my suggestion below, there is a largely untapped area of a very popular genre that can be looked to for new names, and I’d be willing to bet that Daniel Snyder would like to be seen as the first to do so (and make a lot more money than with the current controversial name).

I get that it is a tough thing to change. Tradition has a pull. Look, as a fan, it’s hard to give up that fight song. It’s very catchy. I guess we’re conditioned to love it because it plays every time something really good happens. It’s very Pavlovian for us. However, I think a lot of us would gladly give it up if you gave us something clearly better.

The change needs to be to something unique and awesome (as in, “Wow! That’s kind of cool. I wonder why nobody thought of that before.“) It should be something from our more modern culture that creates a great contrast with the previous anachronistic nickname. Of course, to enhance the likelihood that the change will occur, it needs to be a choice that has the potential for Daniel Snyder to make a lot of new money.

The Washington professional football team should consider a deal with Marvel to use its character Wolverine as the football franchise’s nickname/mascot. For the unfamiliar, from IMDB:

Wolverine is a mutant, possessing animal-keen senses, enhanced physical capabilities, [a metal-coated skeleton], three retracting claws on each hand, and a healing factor that allows him to recover from virtually any wound, disease or toxin at an accelerated rate.

Washington Woverines? No, the team does not need to wear his uniform.

A “healing factor” mascot would be a fitting inspiration for a team with RGIII. Some will say, “Yeah, but, isn’t Wolverine a Canadian?” I’d answer, true, but Vikings are hardly Americans either.

Hugh Jackman as “Wolverine”

The culture has clearly shifted away from the whole Cowboys and Indians theme. The people have spoken. Look at what’s raking in the cash in theaters or on TV. Is it Westerns or Comic Book properties? The Washington Wolverines would have the most marketable mascot/logo of any professional sports team. The character’s own fanbase would drive an increase in merchandise sales. You can easily imagine a sea of foam claws ($15 per pair) slicing the air at FedEx Field. Hey, Marvel, I bet a lot of those fans will be snatching up a bunch of those Halloween costumes. Oh, and the hair … so many possibilities for the fandom. (Start with a rainbow Wolverine wig and a Logan 3:16 sign.) Also, I think the burgundy and gold team colors can be carried over and adapted to the character.

Burgundy and Gold Wolverine

Look, Mr. Snyder, you don’t even have to choose “Wolverines,” just try to get really creative with it. You did get your wealth from an innovative and modern business sector. I don’t want to see any Washington Generals or Washington Senators or Washington Monuments or Washington Blue Herons or Washington Lobbyists. Don’t name your team after the damn airport! To make the change smooth, you have to give us something great.

Raging Super Bowl XLVII Pick

Sports 1 Response »

Feb 022013

It’s the last game and pick of the season. So far this year I’ve gone 177-88. Last week, I went a perfect 2-0.

The pick is in bold. I’m just picking the winners; spreads are for bagels.

Sunday February 3
San Francisco 49ers v. Baltimore Ravens 6:30 p.m.

What did the Ravens do the last two weeks? They beat Peyton Manning and the Broncos in Denver, and then they beat Tom Brady and the Patriots in New England. Somehow the consensus Super Bowl pick is San Francisco on a “neutral” field (although the developing story is the number of Ravens fans in attendence will be clearly higher). This means that the so-called experts believe that the 49ers are better than both the Broncos and the Patriots, OR that the Ravens just won three flukes in a row.

Top 5 Crazy Ways to Save the NFL Pro Bowl

Humor, Sports No Responses »

Jan 282013

Whether the NFL’s all-star game, the Pro Bowl, will be continued is up in the air this year. Since it will never have the intensity of a real game, to keep our interest, the NFL needs to amp up what it can accomplish showcasing the best of the best by exposing them to a tweaked game, everything from modest experimental rule changes to downright ridiculous twists. Here are some options for testing their skills and creating a more entertaining spectacle.

Starters will begin the game in crazy cosutmes. Imagine if the parade floats had to play in the game. The fans enter the yearlong contest to design the costumes. They must not create a serious injury risk, so it’s likely we will get a chance to see the costumes explode seconds after the first snap: foam, flowers, and feathers everywhere. The costumes will be unveiled the night before the game. How do you decide who wears what? The starters pick what they get to wear. You could have the oldest starter pick first or have a draft lottery, to decide who picks when. For cancer awareness, the last costume should always be a pink tutu, and shall be worn the whole game.

For the first experiment in the rules: make them get vertical, really vertical. Nature does not demand a flat field. Build a ramp (or better yet, a pyramid) that can be rolled out to cover the middle 50 yards of the field. It will be steep. If they are such great quarterbacks, let’s see them throw uphill. If you stand in one endzone you will not be able to see the other even if you jump. So the field elevation should be at least 10 feet higher at midfield.

The second is a gift to the offense, a challenge to the defense, and a nightmare for the networks: two footballs, in play at the same time.

Two footballs, two quarterbacks, one exciting game

Two Footballs, Two Quarterbacks: RGIII and Russell Wilson together in Pro Bowl 2015? Buddy cop movie 2017?

If the offense chooses two quarterbacks, they lose a lineman. The TV producers will not like having to cover two footballs. Maybe they could use split screen or keep a very wide shot. The announcers will have to consult with their colleagues in baseball about how to make it through a long broadcast saying “two balls” over and over again without giggling.

The third idea shifts the balance back to the defense. For years the offense has held the upper hand in these games. Even it out with a 12th defender … carrying the business end of a fire hose. He could lay down some anti-aircraft defense by shooting at the ball in flight, or he could just soak the quarterback the whole time (not as easy as you think with those linemen in the way) or he could try to stop the receiver at a very inconvenient time. However, I would support a ban on fire hose blasts to the crotch or face. Referee: “Unnecessary roughness: defense, illegal fire hose to the groin/crotchblasting. 30-yard penalty; first down!”

Who gets to be the hosemen? How about a lucky fan (signing a lengthy waiver, of course)? Put the honor up for bid on eBay, with the money going to charity.

“Make a Wish” recipient Bobby Trent fulfills a lifelong dream of blasting quarterback Tom Brady in the stomach, all-too-easily recording the first half sack by a half pint in Pro Bowl 2016.

The fourth twist, now that the field is a complete mud pit (yes, a natural surface stadium is required), it’s time to release the hogs. Since I’m sure we won’t be able to send out a swarm of real pigs — damn you, PETA! — we can use fake ones. Three ropes cross the field in front of the offense, with 100 lb pink meatbags attached about every 20 feet. The defense’s teammates on the sidelines would pull on the ropes to move the pigs back and forth to disrupt the offense. It’s like adding a little foosball element to a football game.

If a player is tackled by a pig, he must do a belly flop in the mud in his own endzone, and leave the game and the field, delivering a free beer to someone sitting in the last row of the upper deck. If he spills more than half the beer, he must return all the way to the front row to get another one. His team has to play a man short until he returns.

So, NFL/Goodell, since it doesn’t matter at all who wins the Pro Bowl, and nobody cares, you need to show us some crazy stuff. Hopefully, this kicks up a few brainstorms. Any ideas, dear readers?