In this installment of the War on Celebrities, I bring you the useless doughyness of Jonah Hill.

 

 

Why is Hollywood trying to cram this guy down our throats?  He’s probably not even clever enough to respond to that with a “that’s what she said.”  Hill has popped up in nearly 80 movies in the past two years, and I can’t figure out why.  He plays the same character — or is he just that bad an actor and they seem like the same character.  It’s always the innocent, yet slightly awkward fat guy.

 

I don’t get him.  He is just not funny.  (Am I just getting old and no longer understanding what kids these days find funny?)  Somehow, he’s unfunny in an annoying way.  He’s on my list of people I want to slap in the face with a fish.  In his scene in Night at the Museum, I was rooting for the dinosaur skeleton to run around the corner and bite off his dopey head.  At least Ben Stiller could have roughed him up a bit more.

 

In case he’s paying attention:

Dude, you’ll never be Jon Belushi.  Heck, you’ll never be Jim Belushi.
Dude, you’ll never be John Candy.
Dude, you’ll never be Chris Farley or John Goodman.

 

Honestly, I’d rather watch Jack Black, and he had a similar kind of run.  So maybe they’ll stop giving Jonah Hill roles that could go to newer faces looking to get their break.  Don’t just give him the job because you know his name or he’s someone important’s nephew.  This is how hacks block progress in the arts and probably the course of humanity itself.

 

How about some research on some facts on this waste of screen space, now that my gut reaction is out of the way. (Pats self on back for resisting ‘gut’-related joke). OK, so the IMDB says he got his break because he’s friends with Dustin Hoffman and Henry Winkler, and it is only 9 movies in about the past 2 years.

Now, where can we find a hungry whale to take him off our hands?