Occupy @Home: The Kitchen Counterstrike Against Bank of America

Last week I conducted my own protest. I could not go marching in the streets, so I came up with a different way to make a point. I called up the customer service line for one of my credit card accounts and posed some questions that illustrate just how hard the banks work to squeeze every dime they can from their customers using these one-sided agreements. I recorded the call and edited the video to include more amusing commentary via text captions, so watch with your eyes, not just your ears.

I don’t necessarily recommend you try this at home. I had some unplayed leverage (I had the funds and was about to cut a check to pay off the balance) that gave me the extra courage to be this confrontational. You might not have the same circumstances.

I’ve included a fuller transcript of the call at the bottom of this page. It has some content that did not make the video.

UPDATE: For those with limited time or attention spans, we now have a short version including only the best punches and punchlines.

Kitchen Counterstrike (Short Version)

 

 Kitchen Counterstrike (Part 1)

 

Kitchen Counterstrike (Part 2)

 
The customer service rep was sort of taken aback by the unorthodox approach. He was confused by the perspective presented that set up an aggressive negotiation. Keep in mind that I never yelled at him. Was I ever mean to him? I might have come close when I almost implied he makes Jesus retch.

 

You have to give him credit. He kept his cool the whole time, even though it was clear I was somewhat hostile. He was very well trained, as he continued to parrot the company line: He never said 23%, it was always 22.99%. He just repeated the point: you have an active balance. When they told him to threaten my credit score, he stuck to it even in the face of my clear explanation that it’s an empty threat in this case. Now I hope he truly was not in India, because he is an example of how dedicated and hard-working Americans can be.

Human shield aside, hopefully the video shows the insidiously unconscionable nature of the credit card financing arrangement. People encounter a tough period turn to these ‘easy’ loans to bridge the gap and get by. The bank locks them into a system that has the customer paying for years even decades, most paying back much more than they borrowed, and in the meantime the bank can charge whatever rate they want no matter how reliably the customer has paid. This calls out for new regulations that strike a balance between maintaining the availability of loans for people facing temporary unfortunate circumstances and preventing banks in a position of power from taking advantage of people who run into tough times.

Here is the director’s cut transcript of the video:
***************************************
BEGIN VIDEO

Customer/Victim (to camera): Hello, and welcome to my video protest. I have too many responsibilities to go downtown and camp out with the protesters. Besides, if I did that I would just fade into the crowd with just another clever sign and another scowling face. With a video I can make a point in a creative way and more easily share it with others.

This is my protest at home. This is my kitchen counterstrike against my credit card company. Since corporations are now people, let’s see how Bank of America likes a swift kick in the nuts. Enjoy.

…

Human Shield: Thank you for calling card services. My name is {Bank of America Human Shield}. And how are you doing today?

Customer/Victim: I’m doing good. Namaste. How is weather in Mumbai?

Human Shield: In Mumbai?

Customer/Victim: Yes.

Human Shield: Mumbai … I mean … you’re in Mumbai right now?

Customer/Victim: No. I assume your call center is in Mumbai.

Human Shield: No, I’m in New Jersey.

{“No, I’m in New Jersey.” I didn’t know India had a New Jersey? I’ll leave the idea of a Bollywood “Jersey Shore” to your nightmares.}

Customer/Victim: You’re in New Jersey. Well, that’s an issue for another day, so I’ll just pretend like I believe you.

I’m really just calling to ask some questions before I make a decision about what to do with my account. Is it alright if I record this so I don’t have to take notes?

Human Shield: Sure. No problem.

Customer/Victim: OK. Are you having a good day?

Human Shield: Yes.

Customer/Victim: I mean, seriously, if you’re having a bad day I’ll call back and speak to somebody else if it’s alright.

Human Shield: No. I’m OK.

Customer/Victim: Good. Don’t get me wrong — I’m not one of those victims — I mean customers — that will scream at you. At worst I might get a little silly or sarcastic. I know you’re just a working stiff like me trying to earn a paycheck. It’s not your fault the bank uses you guys like human shields. I’m sure you get your share of screaming. So let me apologize in advance if I slip up and say “you” when I mean Bank of America.

Human Shield: OK, no problem.

I just need to, for the protection and integrity of your account, verify a few things, if you don’t mind.

{Account Verification}

Human Shield: I see that you’re calling with regards to the Visa Signature card here. What can I do for you today?

Customer/Victim: Well, basically, I get that the purpose of the customer service is to solve the account problems and I also know it’s to let customers have their say. Probably 90 percent of this call is going to be me having my say. So you can take a deep breath and relax a little, since I’m probably going to do most of the talking. This might be the easiest call you get all week. I’m going to ask some questions, and then we can think about making some changes to the account.

First, you’ve got all my account info up on the screen in front of you?

Human Shield: Yes.

Customer/Victim: Do you have it listed — When did I open the account exactly?

Human Shield: Give me a second here. You’ve been a customer here with us since 1988. {Quit hinting at my age, Jeez!} This account in specific — it looks like you’ve had different accounts with us in the past, but this account in particular has been open since 2002.

Customer/Victim: OK, that’s what I have, too. It’s been about 9 1/2 years. In that time, how many payments have I missed?

Human Shield: Give me a second here, OK?

Customer/Victim: OK.

{While the BofA Human Shield looks that up, enjoy this cute baby montage.}

Human Shield: Give me one second let me take a look at this, OK. (Inaudible) … place you on hold?

Customer/Victim: Oh, sure.

Human Shield: (Inaudible) apologize. I’m having a little technical difficulty here. {Apparently, BofA forces human shields to use Commodore 64s}

Customer/Victim: OK.

Human Shield: OK, my system’s up and running. I apologize. Give me a second.

Customer/Victim: Sure.

Human Shield: It looks like one.

Customer/Victim: OK. I don’t show any. {BofA makes human shields lie. Shame!} I think I show maybe a late one, but I don’t think I missed any completely.

Human Shield: Yeah, a late payment.

Customer/Victim: OK. Now can you look up for me exactly how much I borrowed over the course of the 9 years?

{While the BofA Human Shield looks that up, enjoy this clip of a toddler herding geese. Screw you, PETA! You can cram your angry letters, this is just too damn cute.}

{silence}

Human Shield: Hello, sir.

Customer/Victim: Yes?

Human Shield: Well, as far as going back 9 years, I can’t really go back 9 years and calculate how much you’ve borrowed. But as far as… I can calculate what the highest balance you’ve had, which is of $11,160.99 (inaudible) year to date.

Customer/Victim: OK, well, I actually kept all my statements, and I recently did total it up and it came out to around 18,000 — 18,671.64 — total. You know, one month I borrow some, you know, of course the opening balance, over the course of the years it all totaled up to around 18,000.

Human Shield: Was it this year?

Customer/Victim: No.

Human Shield: OK.

Customer/Victim: Over the whole 9 years I added it up. I added it all up — every time I borrowed some on that account it all totaled up to 18,000.

So I guess you wouldn’t have a total of how much I paid back in those 9 years?

Human Shield: That is correct, sir.

Customer/Victim: That is correct — same issue. Well, I did total that up, and I actually paid back just over $26,000. Now that’s — so it came out to I paid the bank back more than I borrowed, right?

{Rep thinking: “He wants me to subtract 18,000 from 26,000? Human shields are paid to get yelled at, not to do math. This victim’s starting to freak me out.” — few seconds of silence}

And since I did that it sort of looks like I’m done paying you back. So I need you to zero out my balance and mark my account paid in full. {Jedi hand wave}

{His confused look is so strong, I can hear it. Can you? — few seconds of silence}

Can you do that for me today?

{few seconds of silence, Rep thinking: “WTF do I do now? I know, I’ll repeat an obvious fact on the screen in front of me.”}

Human Shield: Well, your account still has a balance of $7,000.

Customer/Victim: That’s what the balance says. But I borrowed 18,000 and I paid back 26,000. That’s the point I’m making here is that I paid back more than I borrowed — so you can’t zero out that balance for me?

Human Shield: Yeah, this balance — it’s $7,192.16. This balance doesn’t look like it can be zeroed out.

Customer/Victim: And you don’t know — and why is that?

Human Shield: It’s an active balance on the account, sir.

Customer/Victim: So it’s basically the terms of the credit card agreement, right?

Human Shield: Right.

Customer/Victim: Doesn’t the agreement let the bank change the interest rate terms every now and then?

Human Shield: I’m sorry?

Customer/Victim: Do the terms of the agreement let the bank change the interest rate terms?

Human Shield: Right.

Customer/Victim: Yes.

Human Shield: In accordance with the credit card agreement.

Customer/Victim: Well I’m going to change the terms here: When the customer pays more than he borrowed, the account is going to be considered paid in full. So can I change the terms?

Human Shield: Um, as far as us canceling out this balance, sir, we can’t (inaudible)

Customer/Victim: OK, so only one side of the deal can change the terms?

Human Shield: That was the terms and conditions of the credit card, sir.

Customer/Victim: So the deal is unconscionable, you know, sort of one-sided? {Go ahead and Google “Unconscionable contract;” I know you want to. We’ll be here when you get back.}

Human Shield: When the card was opened the terms and conditions of the account — that’s what it stated.

Customer/Victim: OK. Now I paid $26,000 which is 41% more than I borrowed. That’s more than a fair profit on my account.

Human Shield: When you say 26,000, do you mean the interest that was charged on that account as well?

Customer/Victim: Every payment — I added up every payment I sent in and compared it to what I borrowed … I paid 26,000 and I borrowed 18,000 and that came out to 41% profit so far. So they got back everything they let me borrow, plus 41% more.

Human Shield: That’s — so when you say 26,000 that’s because of the interest that was added on the account?

Customer/Victim: Yes, it came up to more than 41%. So I was saying a 41% return is almost 8,000 in profit. Is that not enough? Does Bank of America want more?

{few seconds of silence}

Human Shield: That would be for the interest that was on the account.

Customer/Victim: Yes. I paid…

Human Shield: You can’t cancel out the balance because of the interest that you’ve paid.

Customer/Victim: Right. I’m just saying I’d rather use that money to buy my kid presents for Christmas. Is it Bank of America’s policy to steal Christmas? Why does Bank of America hate Christmas? {Now we picture BofA as the Grinch … except giant corporations don’t have a heart that can grow two sizes at the end of the story.}

Human Shield: It’s not about hating Christmas, sir, and things of that nature. You can’t cancel out a balance (inaudible) because of the interest you paid so far on the account. {translation: it doesn’t matter how much we’ve already profited off you, we’re going to keep taking more and more}

Customer/Victim: OK. Well, let’s talk about the interest rate right now. What does it say that the interest rate is as of today?

Human Shield: Give me one second here.

The lowest interest rate that has been set on that account is 22.99 % variable. {I wish BofA would quit making him lie}

Customer/Victim: So that’s what it is right now?

Human Shield: Right.

Customer/Victim: Right. Do you have it in front of you what is the highest rate I’ve paid on that account?

Human Shield: Give me a second here, sir.

{silence}

OK, so this is the highest interest rate that I see on that account that’s been set thus far. {I can smell his pants on fire even through the phone.}

Customer/Victim: OK, I have the 9 years of statements and I went through them and I saw that I was charged a 37% rate and also — after the promotional rate expired then the rate fluctuated from a low of 13.9 % and then the highest one was 37%. I don’t understand why it is not showing up on your screen there.

Human Shield: You said 37%?

Customer/Victim: Yeah, that’s the highest…

Human Shield: That was in…

Customer/Victim: That’s the highest one that showed up. It fluctuated up and down and I had it on autopay for all those years.

Human Shield: When was this?

Customer/Victim: I don’t have that one in front of me. {I put the statement in the video. Eat it, BofA!} But right now it is 23%, is that right?

Human Shield: 22.99.

Customer/Victim: 22.99. So have you heard of the term usury? {The Word of the Day is: Usury} It means charging excessive interest on a loan. Most major religions consider it a sin. In fact, in Dante’s Inferno he sends usurers to the 7th circle of hell.

If I were to help someone steal something that would be just as bad as if I stole it myself. When Christians help Bank of America commit the sin of usury, do you think Jesus cries or does he vomit with rage?

Human Shield: I mean as far as religious belief, sir, I mean, I do apologize, but I mean here in like — for this phone call purposes, I mean, I cannot speak on behalf of religious belief. {Oh, but you are. You are heeding the sole commandment of the BofA’s holy corporate charter: profit above all}

Customer/Victim: OK, fair enough. So right now the facts are I paid back 41% more than I actually borrowed and I still have a balance showing that the bank wants me to pay 23% interest on, is that right?

Human Shield: 22.99% That’s the lowest that has been assessed on that account. {Does he have a phone headset that accommodates that long wooden nose?}

Customer/Victim: OK, let’s see what we can do with that going forward. I see three different options that we can take going forward.

One is: I stop paying, and the Bank turns this over to a collection agency. And they will give you at most 12 cents on the dollar for the outstanding balance. And that will come out to around $900. Since every check I’m writing to you now is all profit, wouldn’t it be better to keep my account and have me continue paying every month for 20 or so?

{Human Shield asks me to repeat Option One}

I think Option 2 is instead of the bank getting rid of my account and not profiting any more over it, they could decide, hey, you know — I could say I’m not paying it and then the bank would think about pursuing the debt through a legal action. But that doesn’t really bother me at all, because I happen to be a lawyer, so it wouldn’t cost me a dime to defend myself…

Human Shield: OK.

Customer/Victim: But how much do you think Bank of America pays their attorneys? I bet it’s not less than $100 an hour. So the more I resist, the more it would eat into the bank’s profit on my account, and I’m pretty sure I can keep bank’s attorneys busy for well over 77 billable hours. But there’s more to that…

In the process, I would learn the best ways to resist you. You know, I used to be a teacher, too, so I might be pretty good at teaching others how to stand up to the bank and shrink the profit on those accounts, too. And if those people teach others, and those people teach more, the resistance could spread like a virus. And in the age of social media, that virus could spread very fast — and all they would have to do is click “share” — and the bank’s profit loss would not be measured in thousands, but hundreds of thousands, even millions.

Now, if I were an employee of the bank it would be my duty to protect the company’s profit and not let that happen.

So we could take a less bumpy road with Option 3, where the bank could offer to take a lump sum for $1,000 and consider my account paid in full. That way you would get — that would be more than you would get from any collection agency, and I would go away and never trouble Bank of America again.

So what can you offer me today?

Human Shield: Give me one second sir (inaudible) on hold, alright? {The call has now gone completely beyond his training. The script has not just been flipped. It has been crumpled, flattened again, folded into a Mobius strip, sent backward in time, then eaten and pooped out by a dinosaur.}

Customer/Victim: OK.

{Hold music}

Human Shield: Hello, sir?

Customer/Victim: Yes.

Human Shield: Thank you for holding. I mean as far as the interest rate, I was looking through your account, and it is the lowest rate that has been applied on that account sir. {More lies}

But as far as you not paying off that account, that looks like it would you know be detrimental to your credit score.

Customer/Victim: So I wouldn’t be able to buy a house that I would be underwater on the minute they handed me the keys?

Human Shield: I’m sorry?

Customer/Victim: So I wouldn’t be able to buy a house and then be underwater when they handed me the keys?

Human Shield: Underwater? {“Underwater?” he asks. Oh, Human Shield, you are so innocent and clueless.}

Customer/Victim: Yes, as in it being [worth] less than I borrowed on it?

Human Shield: What I’m saying here is that if you do not pay that account then that would, you know, cause an effect on your credit score.

Customer/Victim: Right. And so it would hurt the credit score and make me be less likely to apply for and be granted a mortgage.

Human Shield: I mean as far getting — as far as a mortgage (inaudible) not sure as to what effect that would have on those types of applications.

Customer/Victim: That’s what the credit score is. It hurts your chances of getting a mortgage — I’m saying that it might be overall a good thing because houses these days — you know, when you purchase a house it becomes worth less than you borrowed on it, so it might be a good thing to deter me from getting into one of those underwater mortgages.

Human Shield: As far as what you want to do as far as a mortgage application (inaudible) a credit card. But as far as a credit card, what I’m saying is that it could be detrimental to your credit score to not pay that account. Period. {Apparently, they didn’t teach this human shield what a credit score is for. That or he isn’t getting that I don’t care.}

Customer/Victim: I see.

So you can’t move on that interest rate?

Human Shield: Right.

Customer/Victim: I guess that’s the best I can get from you today. Do you mind if I speak with your supervisor?

Human Shield: No problem. Hold on one second.

Customer/Victim: OK, thank you.

{The second-level human shield, a.k.a. “Supervisor,” did not want to be recorded, which is OK since my “tape” ran out at 30 minutes while I was on hold. Apparently, my new camera went into some kind of “sleep mode.” I guess I should have read the manual.}

END