WiseFather

May 132013
 

Rankings for May 13, 2013

I’ve divided the rankings in to 4 tiers of teams. The “Elite” are the best of the best right now. The “Contenders” are going to be in the thick of the pennant race. Those in the “Meh-zo-sphere” cling to dreams of playing relevant September baseball, and once mathematically eliminated are shooting for .500. The “Suh-diddly-uckleheads” are already looking forward to October golfing.

Records are through Saturday’s games. Six weeks in, there’s enough of the season to give out some credit/blame for these teams’ starts. Expect some more shuffling in the next few weeks.  The biggest movers:  Cleveland Indians.  Well done, Tribe!

Rank Record Team Rise/Fall
The Elite
1.
23-13
St. Louis Cardinals +4
2.
23-13
Texas Rangers
3.
22-15
San Francisco Giants +5
4.
22-15
Baltimore Orioles
5.
22-13
New York Yankees +1
The Contenders
6.
22-15
Boston Red Sox -3
7.
21-15
Atlanta Braves -6
8.
20-14
Detroit Tigers +6
9.
21-16
Cincinnati Reds +4
10.
20-16
Pittsburgh Pirates
The Meh-zo-sphere
11.
20-16
Washington Nationals -2
12.
21-16
Arizona Diamondbacks -1
13.
19-15
Cleveland Indians +13
14.
18-15
Kansas City Royals +3
15.
19-17
Colorado Rockies -8
16.
18-18
Tampa Bay Rays +2
17.
19-19
Oakland A’s -5
18.
17-16
Minnesota Twins +6
19.
17-21
Philadelphia Phillies
20.
17-20
Seattle Mariners +3
21.
16-20
San Diego Padres +4
22.
15-19
Milwaukee Brewers -6
23.
14-21
Los Angeles Dodgers -8
24.
14-22
Los Angeles Angels -3
25.
14-20
Chicago White Sox -3
The Suh-diddly-uckleheads
26.
14-19
New York Mets +2
27.
14-24
Toronto Blue Jays -7
28.
14-22
Chicago Cubs -1
29.
10-27
Houston Astros
30.
11-26
Miami Marlins

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May 062013
 

I heard the Foo Fighters’ “Big Me” on the radio this weekend.  I was struck by two thoughts:  I am getting old, and I still hate those damn Mentos commercials.  You see, younglings, the Foo Fighters produced a very popular video for this song back in 1996.  First,  1996 was 17 years ago!  Holy crap am I getting old!  

Now the silver lining is that with that time young folks today will watch the video (below) for the catchy little tune and not get the joke.  The video parodies the god-awful Mentos commercials.  The recurring theme of  the commercials is that when you eat one of these little candies, your brainpower doubles and you suddenly realize a cute and obvious solution to any minor annoyance or problem currently in front of you.  (I wonder what happens if you eat a Mentos when you see a Mentos commercial begin.  Does the universe implode?).

Can you imagine a false-claims advertising suit brought against the company that makes Mentos?  I can.

Plaintiff:  I ate six packs of Mentos every day for 10 years, and me not more smart.  All I got was diabetes.  My doctor says I should try and lose weight, but when I switched to drinking diet cola, it would explode out of every hole in my body.  I guess it’s because my blood is filled with Mentos.  Now I can’t even enjoy diet cola because of your commercials’ lies.  Gimme money now!

 

 

 

So aging can be a good thing because you get to see a horrid ad campaign end and slowly fade from cultural memory.  It brings a moment of joy when you consider future generations are spared the torture of being exposed to Mentos commercials.

Wait a minute…  Did I just expose a new generation to the idea that Mentos commercials exist?   Aww, damn it!   Listen, kids:  do yourself a favor and do not Google Mentos commercials. 

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Apr 292013
 

Rankings for April 29, 2013

I’ve divided the rankings in to 4 tiers of teams. The “Elite” are the best of the best right now. The “Contenders” are going to be in the thick of the pennant race. Those in the “Meh-zo-sphere” cling to dreams of playing relevant September baseball, and once mathematically eliminated are shooting for .500. The “Suh-diddly-uckleheads” are already looking forward to October golfing.

Records are through Saturday’s games. Four weeks in, there’s enough of the season to give out some credit/blame for these teams’ starts. Expect some more shuffling in the next few weeks.

Rank Record Team Rise/Fall
The Elite
1.
15-8
Atlanta Braves
2.
16-8
Texas Rangers
3.
17-7
Boston Red Sox +21
4.
15-9
Baltimore Orioles +7
5.
14-9
St. Louis Cardinals +7
The Contenders
6.
14-9
New York Yankees +10
7.
15-9
Colorado Rockies +21
8.
13-11
San Francisco Giants -5
9.
13-11
Washington Nationals -5
10.
14-10
Pittsburgh Pirates +8
The Meh-zo-sphere
11.
14-10
Arizona Diamondbacks +8
12.
13-12
Oakland A’s -6
13.
13-12
Cincinnati Reds -3
14.
12-10
Detroit Tigers -6
15.
11-12
Los Angeles Dodgers -8
16.
12-10
Milwaukee Brewers +1
17.
12-8
Kansas City Royals +6
18.
11-13
Tampa Bay Rays -9
19.
11-14
Philadelphia Phillies -4
20.
9-16
Toronto Blue Jays -15
21.
9-14
Los Angeles Angels -8
22.
10-13
Chicago White Sox -8
23.
10-16
Seattle Mariners -3
24.
10-10
Minnesota Twins +1
25.
8-15
San Diego Padres -4
The Suh-diddly-uckleheads
26.
8-12
Cleveland Indians -4
27.
9-14
Chicago Cubs -1
28.
10-12
New York Mets -1
29.
7-17
Houston Astros +1
30.
5-19
Miami Marlins -1

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Apr 222013
 

The neoconservative movement, always eager to start another war, received the news of the Boston Marathon bombing with noticeably constrained enthusiasm. If the investigation reveals certain facts, they will produce a new drum to beat for a new (or renewed) war. Here’s my tongue -in-cheek attempt to give you an inside look at the neocon brain as it reacts to news about the bombing.

HOUR ONE: Two bombs; seconds apart. OMG (not allah)! That sounds like a coordinated terrorist attack! Oh, please be al Qaeda or Hamas.

DAY TWO: Pressure cooker bombs! Foreign terrorist like to use those kinds of IEDs. Starting to get really excited; let’s go dust off that Patriot Act II I’ve got squirreled away. Oh boy, oh boy!

DAY THREE: Blurry photos of TWO suspects! So it’s not a lone wolf spree killing like Newtown or Aurora! It’s a team effort, like terrorism (conveniently forgetting Columbine) .

Let’s take a look at these guys. I see some curly black hair and brownish skin. Could be Arab Muslims! OMG, OMG, OMG!

DAY FOUR: Suspects identified. Russians? Damn it! We can’t bomb those guys. Grrr, stupid Ruskies with their strong army and nuclear arseneal. There’s no fun in fighting them; I might get hurt.

Anything else before I go back to playing up a war in Korea?

Chechnya … hmm? Don’t they got Muslims? Yes? Hell, I might be able to work with that.

DAY FIVE:  We caught one!  We better send him to Gitmo for some tortu … enhanced interrogation.  Besides if he’s a Muslim that killed people, that makes him an ”enemy combatant.”  We need to be sure he doesn’t have any information about any other people who could want to hurt us too.   Miranda rights?   No way!  He’s a terrorist.   He’s a citizen?  But still … I’m afraid and neocons don’t care about hurting people that are different.  The only reason I don’t want to shoot this guy in the head and dump him in the ocean right now is I need him to ‘confess’ and give us some actionable intelligence so I can build a case for war.  We need to make him say him to say he was trained by Iran.
The experience the Neocons are going through now is like the lottery.  They’ve got a ticket in hand and are watching the draw on TV.   Their first 3 numbers match, and they’re getting really excited.  Now on the edge of their seat, the 4th number is called and they are a little disappointed with a miss.  But, hey, they could still win a bunch with that 5th number, so they’re still pretty excited until the facts throw some cold water on them.  Will the facts show no legitimate connection to an foreign terrorist organization?   We’ll see.

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Apr 152013
 

I’ve divided the rankings in to 4 tiers of teams. The “Elite” are the best of the best right now. The “Contenders” are going to be in the thick of the pennant race. Those in the “Meh-zo-sphere” cling to dreams of playing relevant September baseball, and once mathematically eliminated are shooting for .500. The “Suh-diddly-uckleheads” are already looking forward to October golfing.

Records are through Saturday’s games.  There’s little change just two weeks into the season.  Here’s a hat tip to Atlanta’s hot start.

Rank Record Team Rise/Fall
The Elite
1.
10-1
Atlanta Braves +5
2.
8-4
Texas Rangers +2
3.
8-4
San Francisco Giants +2
4.
7-4
Washington Nationals -3
5.
5-6
Toronto Blue Jays -2
The Contenders
6.
9-3
Oakland A’s +7
7.
7-4
Los Angeles Dodgers
8.
6-5
Detroit Tigers
9.
4-6
Tampa Bay Rays
10.
5-6
Cincinnati Reds
The Meh-zo-sphere
11.
6-5
Baltimore Orioles
12.
7-4
St. Louis Cardinals
13.
3-8
Los Angeles Angels -11
14.
4-7
Chicago White Sox
15.
5-6
Philadelphia Phillies
16.
5-5
New York Yankees
17.
2-8
Milwaukee Brewers
18.
5-6
Pittsburgh Pirates
19.
7-4
Arizona Diamondbacks
20.
5-8
Seattle Mariners
21.
2-9
San Diego Padres
22.
5-5
Cleveland Indians
23.
6-5
Kansas City Royals
24.
6-4
Boston Red Sox
25.
4-7
Minnesota Twins
The Suh-diddly-uckleheads
26.
4-7
Chicago Cubs
27.
7-4
New York Mets
28.
7-4
Colorado Rockies
29.
2-9
Miami Marlins
30.
4-7
Houston Astros
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Apr 092013
 

Senate Minority Leader and Lead Filibusterer Mitch McConnell was recorded at a meeting with aides discussing opposition research on potential opponent Ashley Judd. While McConnell deserves contempt, after reading through the transcript, I’m not finding anything noteworthy from him. His staff is doing almost all of the talking. Some of what they say might be interesting, but this is a lame way to attack McConnell. His years leading the obstructionists in the Senate should provide ample and more outrageous fodder for that.

Maybe this is only getting a lot of attention this week because it is a mean-old-man leads attack on adorable celebrity lady who dares to consider challenging him. So it’s more of an Ashley Judd story.

In case Mother Jones is forced to remove it, below are highlights from the transcript. It does shed a light on how this guy’s staff (and probably, and sadly, politicians in general) operates.

From Mother Jones:

Sen. Mitch McConnell: If I could interject…I assume most of you have played the, the game Whac-A-Mole? [Laughter.] This is the Whac-A-Mole period of the campaign…when anybody sticks their head up, do them out, and we’re even planning to do it with the Courier here shortly, so…

And, that’s all from McConnell.

Presenter: Yeah, it is really hard to get your arms around…

The good news is, she’s to the far left of every issue she’s taken a public stance on, not just far left, nationwide…[Inaudible.] So you know one of the first themes we can sort of hit on, clearly, is that she openly supports President Obama.

Their first evidence that she’s “far to the left” of the country is that she supports Obama. It shows their skewed perspective, and how their unfamiliarity with the facts could be their undoing. This staffer is from the “Obama is a secret Kenyan Muslim Marxist Socialist” crowd if he actually believes that Obama is synonymous with the far left.

Presenter: Another thing is she’s clearly anti-coal. She’s tweeted that “the era of the coal plant is over, unacceptable, it’s the dirtiest. We in the US can do better, we need to innovate.”

I’ve omitted all of her mountaintop removal stuff. It’s a whole separate category. It doesn’t quite test as well. But she has, we have her on film, she’s led protests. She’s done speeches at National Press Club condemning mountaintop removal.

This part might be the most interesting bit of the whole meeting. The campaign says they have her on record as being against mountaintop removal, but, “Hey, guys, we’re going to leave that out, because even we know that the majority of the public agrees with her.”

Presenter: I mean clearly she’s a carpetbagger. …

What a blockbuster revelation! I hope you didn’t hurt yourself finding that one. A Hollywood millionaire who travels and lives outside of Kentucky? Who woulda thunk it?

I guess he is assuming that Kentuckians rabidly perfer a douchebagging McConnell over a carpetbagging Judd.

Presenter: I think too she’s clearly sort of anti-sort-of-traditional American family. I think Jesse tracked this down. She described having children as selfish, and she thinks it’s unconscionable to breed. So you put that with what we’ll talk to you later about her sort of pro-choice stance and it’s sort of a, you know, pretty extreme posture to take. She also is critical of, of fathers giving away their daughters in marriage ceremonies. She says it’s a common vestige of male dominion over a women’s reproductive status when her father gives her away at a wedding. And then she’s clearly for pro-abortion.

So he found a bunch of quotes likely to shock and appall only the types of people who were going to vote for McConnell again anyway. I’m beginning to think the McConnell campaign is really getting ripped off by their opposition researchers. I thought they were getting paid to find something useful.

Presenter: She’s an open advocate as you can see. Anyhow I know this is sort of a sensitive subject but you know at least worth putting on your radar screen is that she is critical…[inaudible] sort of traditional Christianity. She sort of views it as sort of a vestige of patriarchy. She says Christianity gives a God like a man, presented and discussed exclusively with male imagery which legitimizes and seals male power, the intention to dominate even if that intention is nowhere visible.

And this is sort of an interview that sort of manifests this sort of I would say oddly synthetic approach to Christianity.

[Plays recording.]

Judd’s voice: I still choose the God of my understanding as the God of my childhood. I have to expand my God concept from time to time, and you know particularly I enjoy native faith practices, and have a very nature-based God concept. I’d like to think I’m like St. Francis in that way. Brother Donkey, Sister Bird. [Laughter.]

Presenter: Brother Donkey, Sister Bird! [Laughter.]

Male voice: The people at Southeast Christian [Church] would take to the streets with pitchforks. [Laughter.]

Presenter: Brother…That’s my favorite line so far. Absolute favorite one so far. [Laughter.]

She also is an open advocate of gay marriage. You can see this is what she tweeted after election night when Maryland approved same sex marriage. “It’s okay to love whom you love.” And then she talks about Maryland’s bill.

Yes, Judd sounds goofy in a quote that can easily be taken out of context and presented as sincere, but I’ll repeat: So he found a bunch of quotes likely to shock and appall only the types of people who were going to vote for McConnell again anyway. I’m beginning to think the McConnell campaign is really getting ripped off by their opposition researchers. I thought they were getting paid to find something useful.

By the way, I chuckled when he said “synthetic approach to Christianity.”  That’s like saying her plastic is too artificial.

Presenter:  Ah, and again. She’s clearly, this sounds extreme, but she is emotionally unbalanced. I mean it’s been documented. Jesse can go in chapter and verse from her autobiography about, you know, she’s suffered some suicidal tendencies. She was hospitalized for 42 days when she had a mental breakdown in the ’90s. Phil Maxson found this, which sort of I think is a pretty revealing interview.

[Plays recording.]

Judd’s voice: I call it the American anesthesia. You know, I come back to this country. I freak out in airports. The colors, the sounds, all those different ways of packaging the same snack but trying to, you know, make it look like it’s distinct and different and convince consumers that they have to have it. I mean all of that. The last time I came home from a trip, I absolutely flipped out when I saw pink fuzzy socks on a rack. I mean, I can never anticipate what is going to push me over the edge. [Laughter.]

But in a few weeks, you know, I’m driving along smooth roads and I think nothing of it. I’m, you know, choosing between four different brands of cereal from plastic dispensers so that I don’t have to have, you know, ugly, mismatched boxes on my shelf, and I don’t think anything of it. You know?

Presenter: So pink fuzzy socks are of concern. [Laughter.]

Female voice: …at Fancy Farm. We’ll all take pink fuzzy socks. [Laughter.]

This is the arguably offensive part of the meeting where it appears the gang is mocking mental illness or Judd’s goofy description of what she says she experienced. I think he almost admits the attack is a bit mean when he says “this sounds extreme, but she is emotionally unbalanced.”

I’ll end by letting these scumbags know that I’m not alone in preferring a candidate suffering from a treatable mental illness over an allegedly mentally healthy one who explicitly made it his mission to subvert American democracy. Anyone else feel like some turtle soup?

from BusterBlog: Mitch McConnell: Elderly Mutant Plutocrat Turtle?

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