2011 September

Job Interview Help for Artificial-Americans

Sep 302011

(or for humans who want to make an impression, but maybe donn’t want to get hired)

Machines are replacing workers at such a rate that we should consider making them go through an interview process. If Watson can win Jeopardy!, it should at least try to sit through an interview. (Although, when Watson answered “Toronto” on Final Jeopardy when the category was “U.S. Cities,” I did feel my job is probably safe for another decade.)

Now, what if on the way to his first job interview, Watson fell down some stairs and can now only respond using famous quotes from movies mostly the ones listed at “AFI’s 100 Years… 100 Movie Quotes?” I imagine it would go something like this.

INTERVIEWER: Good morning, Watson. Nice to meet you. (Shakes ‘hand’).

WATSON: Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!

INTERVIEWER: Sorry about that. Please have a seat over there.

WATSON: Nobody puts ‘Baby’ in a corner.

INTERVIEW: OK, I’ll sit there. You can have my seat. Now, did you have any problems finding our building this morning?

WATSON: Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.

INTERVIEWER: I know you’re a machine, but I’m required to offer coffee or water or something to everyone. Would you like some?

WATSON: Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me… Aren’t you?

INTERVIEWER: Now be serious…

WATSON: I am serious… and don’t call me Shirley.

INTERVIEWER: … can I get you something to drink?

WATSON: A martini. Shaken, not stirred.

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, we can’t serve alcohol. Would you like to have some other refreshment?

WATSON: I feel the need … the need for speed!

INTERVIEWER: Mr. Watson! We certainly cannot give you drugs! Can I get you anything reasonable?

WATSON: I’ll have what she’s having.

INTERVIEWER: Who?

WATSON: Who’s on first.

INTERVIEWER: I don’t know.

WATSON: He’s on third; we’re not talking about him.

INTERVIEWER: Do you mind if we just get started?

WATSON: Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.

INTERVIEWER: So tell me about yourself.

WATSON: Let me bring you up to speed. My name is Wayne Campbell. I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago – excellent. I’ve had plenty of jo-jobs; nothing I’d call a career. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets. OK, so I still live with my parents, which I admit is bogus and sad. However, I do have a cable access show, and I still know how to party. But what I’d really like is to do Wayne’s World for a living. It might happen. Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.

INTERVIEWER: Can you tell me about why you left your previous position?

WATSON: It’s a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don’t see another dime, so where’s the motivation? And here’s something else, Bob: I have eight different bosses right now.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to begin a career in banking?

WATSON: Greed, for lack of a better word, is good.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any suggestions about how to improve our bank?

WATSON: You’re semi-evil. You’re quasi-evil. You’re the margarine of evil. You’re the Diet Coke of evil — just one calorie, not evil enough.

INTERVIEWER: Any other suggestions?

WATSON: If you build it, he will come.

INTERVIEWER: Who?

WATSON: Who’s on first.

INTERVIEWER: I don’t know.

WATSON: He’s on third.

INTERVIEWER: Would you describe yourself as a team player?

WATSON: I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

INTERVIEWER: No, I mean tell me about how well you work with other people.

WATSON: Soylent Green is people!

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any unique skills that you want to share with us?

WATSON: I see dead people.

INTERVIEWER: Can you describe a time in your previous position when your skills were especially tested?

WATSON: A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any special talents?

WATSON: I’m an excellent driver.

INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you enjoy hunting.

WATSON: One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.

INTERVIEWER: Any other likes or interests?

WASTON: I love the smell of napalm in the morning!

INTERVIEWER: What?!

WATSON: What’s on second.

INTERVIEWER: I don’t know.

WATSON: Third base!

INTERVIEWER: What are your salary expectations?

WATSON: Show me the money!

INTERVIEWER: What do you think about starting at $50,000?

WATSON: You’re gonna need a bigger boat.

INTERVIEWER: OK, what number do you have in mind?

WATSON: I demand the sum of… 1 MILLION DOLLARS.

INTERVIEWER: Is there anything else you think we should know?

WATSON: We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have about three seconds to live.

INTERVIEWER: Now, do you have any questions?

WATSON: You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?

INTERVIEWER: Yes, I do feel fortunate to have the opportunity to interview you, Watson. But I meant do you have any questions about the company?

WATSON: And now, your highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden rebel base…

INTERVIEWER: Well, thank you for coming in.

WATSON: Hasta la vista, baby.

Citizens United … Against Us

Politics 1 Response »

Sep 272011

I finally got a chance to read one of the biggest decisions handed down by the Supreme Court in the last few years. Citizens United v. the Federal Elections Commission was decided waaay back in January 2010, but its impact will be apparent to almost everyone real soon. I thought I’d dust off and put on my legal scholar hat and share some of my reactions to the court’s text.

First, here’s my attempt to summarize First Amendment law for everybody in an oversimplified way: the Court has interpreted the First Amendment to mean the government cannot ban speech altogether, but can regulate it if the government can find a really, really good reason to do so. Back in the 1970s, the Court ruled that giving money to someone is a form of expression. So using your voice to say “Vote for Smith,” writing an email saying “Vote for Smith,” and giving Smith’s campaign $500 are all protected speech. Many campaign finance laws are an attempt to regulate these donations. Any regulation imposes some limit on the freedom of speech associated with the donation. In the Citizens United case the Supreme Court again looks at these regulations.

On a side note, don’t you just love how organizations can just name themselves anything to disguise their real intent? “Citizens United” sounds like a nice group of good old American folk who are working together to promote … well, I guess, citizens. In fact it is a conservative advocacy group headed by Floyd G. Brown, the guy who brought us the Willie Horton ad. Continue reading »

Israeli-Palestinian Lovefest at the U.N.

Politics, Works in Progress No Responses »

Sep 202011

This week the UN may be taking a vote concerning Palestinian statehood, a general assembly vote to grant “nonmember state” observer status. So I thought now would be a good time to attempt to offer some sense. Yes, the WiseFather is taking on an issue of much higher difficulty than mocking the Kardashians, Justin Bieber, and the Jersey Shore (Google search term hits, FTW!).

Why take on this issue? The marketplace of ideas needs someone to model how to take a thoughtful approach to some of these delicate topics.

Let’s see, we have two historically beaten-down minority groups competing for my sympathy, and each gets some. It’s a touchy subject. Continue reading »

American Jobs Act: More Likely an Obama Campaign Win than an American Jobs Win …

Politics No Responses »

Sep 142011

… but in all likelihood, a loss for almost everybody.

Well, we all knew he can deliver a good speech. Delivering jobs, well… I’m going to give him an A- for the plan as a reelection strategy (depending on how the “negotiations” play out), but a C as an economic policy.

It looks like he wants to fix the jobs problem, but he is only going to use what he can find in the Republicans’ toolbox: tax cuts, reduced regulations, “free trade” agreements, budget cuts to offset transportation spending.

It’s rather sad that he’s boxed into these half-assed approaches.
Here are some parts of the job speech that sparked a reaction: Continue reading »

Republican Debate, the Enhanced Transcript

Humor, Politics No Responses »

Sep 082011

The following is an enhanced transcript of the GOP debate, featuring special guest appearances by the WiseFather, God, Lord Voldemort, and a pigeon.

WILLIAMS: Tonight, from the Ronald Reagan Presidential Foundation and Library, in a place dedicated to the memory of this Republican icon, in the 100th year after his birth, we will hear from the eight candidates who would like to claim his legacy, and continue destroying the country. They’re all here tonight ready to explain and defend their positions on job creation, on spending, debt, and taxes, on America’s costly dual wars, and the toxic gridlock that is Washington, D.C.

ANNOUNCER: Live from the Reagan Library in Simi Valley, California, the Republican candidates debate. Here now are Brian Williams, John Harris, and the WiseFather.

(APPLAUSE)

WILLIAMS: Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Good evening, and welcome.

Thank you especially for joining us here in this spectacular space, this spectacular presidential library, where we are all gathered under the wings of Air Force One. We’re going to get right to it tonight because we have a lot of candidates on stage, a lot of issues to talk about and a lot of time to waste and people to annoy.

And for the next hour and 45 minutes, give or take, along with my colleague and friend, John Harris of the website Politico, we will be pitching softball questions to the eight candidates on stage tonight. By agreement, they will have one minute to answer and then 30 seconds for follow-up or rebuttal, as they say, at the moderator’s discretion. There will be no opening or closing statements during this debate tonight. I’ll dispense with candidate introductions because, frankly, I don’t know who half of you are, and in a couple of weeks it won’t matter that you were even here.

With that out of the way, we’re going to start with jobs and the economy. The numbers from our new NBC News-Wall Street Journal poll this week are, candidly, jaw-dropping. The country thinks the economy is going to get worse before it gets better. A majority of people in this country now believe the Republican policies of the first eight years of the past decade are responsible for the economic mess we’re in. Also, a majority of people, for some reason, believe I’m an actual journalist. And we should quickly add, a majority also don’t believe the current Democratic president has set the right policies to fix the fix we’re in. Question is, really, who can?

Governor Perry, we’re going to begin with you. You’re the newcomer here on stage, and you’ve killed the most people (that we know of). You probably saw this coming a mile away. Continue reading »

New College Football Year: Is the BCS Dead Yet?

Politics, Sports 1 Response »

Sep 012011

Great, another rant about a college football playoff. Aren’t you just piling on? Absolutely. I need to pile on, because if the pile gets tall enough it could collapse and cause an avalanche of change.

College football could be great, but it sucks without a playoff. College basketball is much more fun to follow, and the difference really is the tournament. College football has a better sport and would be tremendously more popular if it had a real playoff tournament.

Other sports have adopted the playoff tournament system, and everyone seems to like it. There is no one making an argument that the NFL or college basketball should adopt a BCS style system.

This is the limit of my interest in college football: Follow to the extent that I hope my alma mater and local teams do well, so as to improve recruiting so they will be ready to challenge for a spot in the tournament when the playoff is implemented. This means I may watch parts of games here and there. Unlike the NFL where I want to catch every second of my favorite teams’ games. Continue reading »