Sorting Out the Newest Contestants on America’s Next Top Presidential Scandal

 Politics  No Responses »
May 202013
 

“America’s Next Top Presidential Scandal:” Worst. Show. Ever. So the second term is about defining your legacy and having your enemies do everything they can to tarnish it. In the past few weeks a lot of Scandal Spaghetti has been thrown against the wall. Overall, these allegations are pretty tame compared to what the last two guys actually did. Here are the contenders, and no, I refuse to stoop to being one of those idiot journalists who thinks it’s cute to tack on a -gate to everything. (See rant in previous post.)

Benghazi. The administration is getting heat for trying to spin the motivation/identity of the attackers. The right is in a tizzy over this one because it touches on terrorism and Hillary Clinton. Even Krauthammer thinks they are wishing too hard for this scandal to be huge, and are perhaps overhyping it.

IRS v. conservative “nonprofit” groups. Certain groups got additional scrutiny in their attempt to attain tax-exempt nonprofit status. Let’s see, we have groups that want to eliminate the IRS applying to the IRS for special treatment. What could possibly go wrong?

DOJ snooping on AP reporters. The Justice Department had a subpoena and was investigating leaks by officials to reporters. I see how this could affect the First Amendment rights of reporters to be able to provide confidentiality to their sources. The source might not want to contact a reporter if the reporter’s phone records could lead investigators back to him. Why didn’t the DOJ just get the records of the people they were investigating. “Hey, look here. According to his phone record, Mr. Leaker called this number, which belongs to a reporter at the AP.” The same facts would be discovered without damaging the reporter’s rights or reputation. Seems like this scandal is about laziness or incompetence. Of course, what the scandalmongers are really looking for is some kind of coverup.

The Marine and the Umbrella. The outrage! How dare a Marine hold an umbrella over the head of the president? I wouldn’t be surprised to hear a scandalmonger chime in and point out that the umbrella is black, and “what kind of message is that sending? Why does Obama have a deep-seated hatred for white umbrellas? And why isn’t the umbrella wearing a flag pin?”

Sad Obama

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MLB Power Rankings for May 13, 2013

 Sports  No Responses »
May 132013
 

Rankings for May 13, 2013

I’ve divided the rankings in to 4 tiers of teams. The “Elite” are the best of the best right now. The “Contenders” are going to be in the thick of the pennant race. Those in the “Meh-zo-sphere” cling to dreams of playing relevant September baseball, and once mathematically eliminated are shooting for .500. The “Suh-diddly-uckleheads” are already looking forward to October golfing.

Records are through Saturday’s games. Six weeks in, there’s enough of the season to give out some credit/blame for these teams’ starts. Expect some more shuffling in the next few weeks.  The biggest movers:  Cleveland Indians.  Well done, Tribe!

Rank Record Team Rise/Fall
The Elite
1.
23-13		 St. Louis Cardinals +4
2.
23-13		 Texas Rangers –
3.
22-15		 San Francisco Giants +5
4.
22-15		 Baltimore Orioles –
5.
22-13		 New York Yankees +1
The Contenders
6.
22-15		 Boston Red Sox -3
7.
21-15		 Atlanta Braves -6
8.
20-14		 Detroit Tigers +6
9.
21-16		 Cincinnati Reds +4
10.
20-16		 Pittsburgh Pirates –
The Meh-zo-sphere
11.
20-16		 Washington Nationals -2
12.
21-16		 Arizona Diamondbacks -1
13.
19-15		 Cleveland Indians +13
14.
18-15		 Kansas City Royals +3
15.
19-17		 Colorado Rockies -8
16.
18-18		 Tampa Bay Rays +2
17.
19-19		 Oakland A’s -5
18.
17-16		 Minnesota Twins +6
19.
17-21		 Philadelphia Phillies –
20.
17-20		 Seattle Mariners +3
21.
16-20		 San Diego Padres +4
22.
15-19		 Milwaukee Brewers -6
23.
14-21		 Los Angeles Dodgers -8
24.
14-22		 Los Angeles Angels -3
25.
14-20		 Chicago White Sox -3
The Suh-diddly-uckleheads
26.
14-19		 New York Mets +2
27.
14-24		 Toronto Blue Jays -7
28.
14-22		 Chicago Cubs -1
29.
10-27		 Houston Astros –
30.
11-26		 Miami Marlins –

Continue reading »

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On “Big Me” and the Hidden Benefits of Aging

 Humor  No Responses »
May 062013
 

I heard the Foo Fighters’ “Big Me” on the radio this weekend.  I was struck by two thoughts:  I am getting old, and I still hate those damn Mentos commercials.  You see, younglings, the Foo Fighters produced a very popular video for this song back in 1996.  First,  1996 was 17 years ago!  Holy crap am I getting old!  

Now the silver lining is that with that time young folks today will watch the video (below) for the catchy little tune and not get the joke.  The video parodies the god-awful Mentos commercials.  The recurring theme of  the commercials is that when you eat one of these little candies, your brainpower doubles and you suddenly realize a cute and obvious solution to any minor annoyance or problem currently in front of you.  (I wonder what happens if you eat a Mentos when you see a Mentos commercial begin.  Does the universe implode?).

Can you imagine a false-claims advertising suit brought against the company that makes Mentos?  I can.

Plaintiff:  I ate six packs of Mentos every day for 10 years, and me not more smart.  All I got was diabetes.  My doctor says I should try and lose weight, but when I switched to drinking diet cola, it would explode out of every hole in my body.  I guess it’s because my blood is filled with Mentos.  Now I can’t even enjoy diet cola because of your commercials’ lies.  Gimme money now!

 

 

 

So aging can be a good thing because you get to see a horrid ad campaign end and slowly fade from cultural memory.  It brings a moment of joy when you consider future generations are spared the torture of being exposed to Mentos commercials.

Wait a minute…  Did I just expose a new generation to the idea that Mentos commercials exist?   Aww, damn it!   Listen, kids:  do yourself a favor and do not Google Mentos commercials. 

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MLB Power Rankings for April 29, 2013

 Sports  No Responses »
Apr 292013
 

Rankings for April 29, 2013

I’ve divided the rankings in to 4 tiers of teams. The “Elite” are the best of the best right now. The “Contenders” are going to be in the thick of the pennant race. Those in the “Meh-zo-sphere” cling to dreams of playing relevant September baseball, and once mathematically eliminated are shooting for .500. The “Suh-diddly-uckleheads” are already looking forward to October golfing.

Records are through Saturday’s games. Four weeks in, there’s enough of the season to give out some credit/blame for these teams’ starts. Expect some more shuffling in the next few weeks.

Rank Record Team Rise/Fall
The Elite
1.
15-8		 Atlanta Braves –
2.
16-8		 Texas Rangers –
3.
17-7		 Boston Red Sox +21
4.
15-9		 Baltimore Orioles +7
5.
14-9		 St. Louis Cardinals +7
The Contenders
6.
14-9		 New York Yankees +10
7.
15-9		 Colorado Rockies +21
8.
13-11		 San Francisco Giants -5
9.
13-11		 Washington Nationals -5
10.
14-10		 Pittsburgh Pirates +8
The Meh-zo-sphere
11.
14-10		 Arizona Diamondbacks +8
12.
13-12		 Oakland A’s -6
13.
13-12		 Cincinnati Reds -3
14.
12-10		 Detroit Tigers -6
15.
11-12		 Los Angeles Dodgers -8
16.
12-10		 Milwaukee Brewers +1
17.
12-8		 Kansas City Royals +6
18.
11-13		 Tampa Bay Rays -9
19.
11-14		 Philadelphia Phillies -4
20.
9-16		 Toronto Blue Jays -15
21.
9-14		 Los Angeles Angels -8
22.
10-13		 Chicago White Sox -8
23.
10-16		 Seattle Mariners -3
24.
10-10		 Minnesota Twins +1
25.
8-15		 San Diego Padres -4
The Suh-diddly-uckleheads
26.
8-12		 Cleveland Indians -4
27.
9-14		 Chicago Cubs -1
28.
10-12		 New York Mets -1
29.
7-17		 Houston Astros +1
30.
5-19		 Miami Marlins -1

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Boston Marathon Bombing Investigation Gives Neocons an Emotional Rollercoaster Ride

 Politics  No Responses »
Apr 222013
 

The neoconservative movement, always eager to start another war, received the news of the Boston Marathon bombing with noticeably constrained enthusiasm. If the investigation reveals certain facts, they will produce a new drum to beat for a new (or renewed) war. Here’s my tongue -in-cheek attempt to give you an inside look at the neocon brain as it reacts to news about the bombing.

HOUR ONE: Two bombs; seconds apart. OMG (not allah)! That sounds like a coordinated terrorist attack! Oh, please be al Qaeda or Hamas.

DAY TWO: Pressure cooker bombs! Foreign terrorist like to use those kinds of IEDs. Starting to get really excited; let’s go dust off that Patriot Act II I’ve got squirreled away. Oh boy, oh boy!

DAY THREE: Blurry photos of TWO suspects! So it’s not a lone wolf spree killing like Newtown or Aurora! It’s a team effort, like terrorism (conveniently forgetting Columbine) .

Let’s take a look at these guys. I see some curly black hair and brownish skin. Could be Arab Muslims! OMG, OMG, OMG!

DAY FOUR: Suspects identified. Russians? Damn it! We can’t bomb those guys. Grrr, stupid Ruskies with their strong army and nuclear arseneal. There’s no fun in fighting them; I might get hurt.

Anything else before I go back to playing up a war in Korea?

Chechnya … hmm? Don’t they got Muslims? Yes? Hell, I might be able to work with that.

DAY FIVE:  We caught one!  We better send him to Gitmo for some tortu … enhanced interrogation.  Besides if he’s a Muslim that killed people, that makes him an ”enemy combatant.”  We need to be sure he doesn’t have any information about any other people who could want to hurt us too.   Miranda rights?   No way!  He’s a terrorist.   He’s a citizen?  But still … I’m afraid and neocons don’t care about hurting people that are different.  The only reason I don’t want to shoot this guy in the head and dump him in the ocean right now is I need him to ‘confess’ and give us some actionable intelligence so I can build a case for war.  We need to make him say him to say he was trained by Iran.
The experience the Neocons are going through now is like the lottery.  They’ve got a ticket in hand and are watching the draw on TV.   Their first 3 numbers match, and they’re getting really excited.  Now on the edge of their seat, the 4th number is called and they are a little disappointed with a miss.  But, hey, they could still win a bunch with that 5th number, so they’re still pretty excited until the facts throw some cold water on them.  Will the facts show no legitimate connection to an foreign terrorist organization?   We’ll see.

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MLB Power Rankings for April 15, 2013

 Sports  No Responses »
Apr 152013
 

I’ve divided the rankings in to 4 tiers of teams. The “Elite” are the best of the best right now. The “Contenders” are going to be in the thick of the pennant race. Those in the “Meh-zo-sphere” cling to dreams of playing relevant September baseball, and once mathematically eliminated are shooting for .500. The “Suh-diddly-uckleheads” are already looking forward to October golfing.

Records are through Saturday’s games.  There’s little change just two weeks into the season.  Here’s a hat tip to Atlanta’s hot start.

Rank Record Team Rise/Fall
The Elite
1.
10-1		 Atlanta Braves +5
2.
8-4		 Texas Rangers +2
3.
8-4		 San Francisco Giants +2
4.
7-4		 Washington Nationals -3
5.
5-6		 Toronto Blue Jays -2
The Contenders
6.
9-3		 Oakland A’s +7
7.
7-4		 Los Angeles Dodgers –
8.
6-5		 Detroit Tigers –
9.
4-6		 Tampa Bay Rays –
10.
5-6		 Cincinnati Reds –
The Meh-zo-sphere
11.
6-5		 Baltimore Orioles –
12.
7-4		 St. Louis Cardinals –
13.
3-8		 Los Angeles Angels -11
14.
4-7		 Chicago White Sox –
15.
5-6		 Philadelphia Phillies –
16.
5-5		 New York Yankees –
17.
2-8		 Milwaukee Brewers –
18.
5-6		 Pittsburgh Pirates –
19.
7-4		 Arizona Diamondbacks –
20.
5-8		 Seattle Mariners –
21.
2-9		 San Diego Padres –
22.
5-5		 Cleveland Indians –
23.
6-5		 Kansas City Royals –
24.
6-4		 Boston Red Sox –
25.
4-7		 Minnesota Twins –
The Suh-diddly-uckleheads
26.
4-7		 Chicago Cubs –
27.
7-4		 New York Mets –
28.
7-4		 Colorado Rockies –
29.
2-9		 Miami Marlins –
30.
4-7		 Houston Astros –
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